Trying to be quiet is like opening a bag of chips and just walking away. Impossible.
Due to my current employment I wake up at what some would consider an ungodly hour. (3:45am ESTish to be somewhat exact.) My fiancee, like a normal person, does not rise until closer to 7 on most mornings. Because of this discrepancy, I have found the need to try to be quiet when I get ready in the morning.
You can be quiet without trying through the day, sitting on the couch browsing the internet, reading a book, “using” the washroom while playing Kwazy Cupcakes…but trying to be quiet creates a tear in the fabric of time and irony.
The problem with trying to be quiet is it’s usually at a time when there isn’t much ambient noise to cover up whatever you’re doing. Which of course amplifies any sounds you make while tiptoe-balleting in the dark. Such has been my experience, but did you know that the world around us it trying to make you fail?
- Did you know the toilet flushes at 13 times the volume it normally does when you’re trying to be quiet? It’s true! Usually it’s a gentle expulsion of water, but when you’re trying to be quiet, water departs the bowl at roughly twice the level of an airplane engine!
- Did you know that any weak spots in the floor connect with other weak spots when you’re trying to be quiet? Like a spiderweb of surround sound structural incompetence, every step sounds like the creaking of a giant wooden ship sailing to Deafening Bay.
- Did you know that loose objects placed on tables and counter-tops move their centre of balance to within half an inch of the edge when you’re trying to be quiet? The Universe© thinks it’s making it easier to have things in reach, when you’re really just going to knock everything to the floor in a shattering cacophony of clangorous exuberance.
- Did you know that any animals that reside in your home will find ways to be both in front of you AND behind you at the same time, causing you to stumble with elephant feet searching for the ground when you’re trying to be quiet? They’re like hungry drunk fuzzy pylons trying to topple Gulliver in the name of treats.
- Did you know the coffee maker has a sonic sensor, allowing it to create up to 22 times the noise it usually makes when you’re trying to be quiet? Combined with the early morning “Super Steam” coffee pods, these sensors determine the silence of the room, and increasing their noise creation exponentially to compensate.
- Did you know that all door hinges become tighter when you’re trying to be quiet? Sound waves usually keep the knuckles further apart during the day, but when it’s quiet time, they lock together to create a symphony of squeaks and shuttering.
- Did you know that any and all packaging automatically re-seals itself and makes you tear it apart to get what you need when you’re trying to be quiet? Plastic and paper bags actually fold tighter in the absence of sound, so you get to unfold them one cracking thunderous crease at a time.
- Did you know your keys become A) Impossible to find B) Impossible to hold C) Neal Peart’s cymbal set-up when you’re trying to be quiet? Combine that with wearing gloves in the winter and you might as well be reaching for a tin can full of coins to lock your door and start your car.
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about how the world around you changes to make sure anyone you’re trying not to disturb will inevitably be woken up, and will text you later on to remind you how loud you were. It’s
silence science! relationship relationships