Bat Crasher

What began as a normal hot Summer’s night switched from pleasure to panic with the flick of a feather.  Or rather, a wing membrane.

While sitting on our living room couch catching up on an episode of Downton Abbey (my rule is if you’ve missed the first three seasons you wait until it’s done to catch up, but that’s for another time) my fiancee suddenly turned her head slightly, with a slightly puzzled look, searching for a sound.  Unable to locate the source of the noise she returned her gaze to the television, where Mary was undoubtedly sounding off about Edith for some reason.

A few moments later, she again craned her neck slightly to look above and behind her to the top of the curtains.  Holding her gaze, she reached up with her hand ever so slowly, and pulled the curtain away from the window.

The next 30 seconds consisted of panicked screams and nervous laughter, as the intruder revealed itself with a menacing dive from the curtain rod.  Moments afterwards, when things had briefly settled, a cry of “get your phone” was heard, and the recording began.

As you can tell, the madness had just begun. Some people externalize their stress through calmness, though inside the tumultuous stress bubbles and roils. Others simply diffuse their angst through swearing. Both are equally effective.

What followed was 25 minutes of sheet throwing, broom swinging, window screen removing, door barricading attempted animal control.  The bat, no doubt terrified, flew in circles attempting to find an escape.  The sweltering heat and humidity in the house did not help in the effort, causing passerby’s in the street to look in on a whirling, frantic vignette.  A laughing woman, star spread holding a sheet over the dining room entryway, a shirtless sweaty man, waving a broom and pleading with a flying rodent to accept their offer to leave.

Finally, a glimmer of hope.  The bat, exhausted, landed on the top of the blinds, mere inches away from a now doubly open and screenless dining room window.  A sheet was held over the blind and the window, and a few silent moments later, it was believed success had been achieved.  The fiancee slowly lowered her arms and walked over towards the window, while the sheet was slowly lowered…

…a pause.  A high pitched shriek.  A louder, deeper scream.  The bat, now caught in the sheet, flapped furiously for its release.  Moments later, it was loose again.

Thankfully the event ended a few moments later, when after being coerced to circle closer and closer to the window, the bat eventually flew out, into the night, to freedom.

And that is how we got bat shit on the kitchen walls.

 

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