Haiku – Mario Kart 8 Edition

Mario Kart 8.

The reason I bought Wii U.

Don’t disappoint me.

The blue turtle shell.

Bane of racing existence.

I’ll wait in second.

Trash talking your friend.

Beating them, what do they do?

Unplug controller.

This stupid game cheats.

I was far ahead of you.

This stupid game cheats.

Is it bikes or karts?

Bikes can drive faster than karts.

But handle they can’t.

The first race begins.

But not a race on the course.

Who gets Mario?

Oh golden mushroom.

Repeatedly mash buttons.

Thank you for shortcuts.

Single banana.

A pointless item to use.

Only as a shield.

Backwards question mark.

It’s just slightly less pointless.

Drop at item spot.

Use the controller?

Real racers just use the wheel,

and are always last.

Fall from first to twelfth

in a matter of seconds.

Make me the bullet.

Online kart racing.

Lose to people with no lives,

and are ten years old.

The greatest item:

Invincibility star.

(Music plays in head.)

I got a Blooper.

Think I can’t see? All the maps

are burned in my brain.

Fuck you Rainbow Road.

I can not stress this enough.

Fuck you Rainbow Road.

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