Commercial Anger

We know how the bread gets buttered.  In order to sell something, you have to let people know it’s there.  Commercials are one way to do this, and when done properly  they can burrow their jingle or message into your subliminal or very-conscious brain patterns with ease.  There are however other reasons you can remember them.  Those commercials are the ones that let the hate flow through you.

For whatever reason certain commercials create anger and hostility faster than you can change the channel.  You can go from a perfectly good mood to swearingly hateful with just a hint of music or the beginning of a statement.  Take for instance my girlfriend’s Holiday Hatemercial:

A playful childlike holiday display penguin is “speaking” to the customer.  I get it.  Pick me pick me!  It seems harmless enough.  But from the first time we saw it, my girlfriend took an immediate Oil v Water reaction to the word “Smooooooshed.”  Go ahead.  Listen to it a couple of times.  I understand how it could be a little annoying.  For my girlfriend it’s like someone dragging a screaming rabid cat’s claws across a chalkboard.  Even a half second of giggle-laughter at the beginning of that commercial is enough to throw her into mocking seizures of “smooooooshed…GOD I HATE THAT COMMERCIAL.  SO STUPID.”  For something that’s 18 seconds long, and more specifically a single word from it, it holds a lot of power.  Not that I’d wield it at a later time…

Everyone has at least one commercial that burns like the fire of thousand suns on our tolerance lobe.  Here’s my personal favourite:

Holy mother of god where do I start with this one? Forgive the fact that the filming budget may not have been Cameronesque, but right from the beginning we’re off to a bad start.  The first guy does a kind of a handstand, grabs his feet, comes down, turns to the camera and proclaims “I’m DOIN’ it!”  This is like when a child gets their own drink for the first time and thinks they’re solving world hunger and world peace in one pour.  Keep going handstand guy…you’re almost…wherever you want to be in that area.

There’s “I’m livin’ it up!” orange slices girl, because nothing says living it up like holding up two orange halves and attacking your vitamin deficiency.  There’s “WOOOOOOOOOO!” golf guy who is apparently also burning it up.  This seems like a guy I would want in my golf foursome.  I’m sure he’d be very helpful in correcting my swing plane and letting me know what new technology his never-swung-before clubs will give him an advantage over the rest of us. And then this guy:

He's lovin' it baby.  Must've been quite the suit sale.One day I hope to be as excited about my suits.  One day.  In conclusion, I believe the Q-Ray bracelet contains some type of LSD or cocaine derived alloy.  It’s the only explanation.  But again, that’s MY hatemercial, so maybe I’m more sensitive to it.

And finally, the reason I really wanted to write this down, and proof that I may indeed have a slight case of OCD, I submit this video to you.  Please watch the entire 30 seconds, and see if you can pick out my concern.

Did you see it?  This is kind of a trick question, because it’s not just this commercial…it’s ALL commercials that do  THIS:

Stripe Goes WHERE?!?!

WHERE IS THE STRIPE ON THIS THING!?!??!  At the TOP.  They’re ALL AT THE TOP.  THIS PERSON IS PAYING FOR NOTHING.  REMOVE THEM FROM SOCIETY AND GET Q-RAY HANDSTAND GUY TO HELP THEM OUT.

And this commercial was SO CLOSE TO NOT DOING IT!!!!!  They had a guy at the gas pump.  Card goes in right side up, JUST like in real life!  YOU WERE THERE Bank of America…and now I hate your commercial like ALL the other credit card commercials.  A damaging blow, I know, but I CAN’T be alone in this.  Right?  (Straightens mouse next to keyboard three times, keeps writing.)

Feel free to submit YOUR “Commercial Anger” moments, because for every good ad (Budweiser 9/11, Apple holiday, Molson Beer Fridge,) there’s one that has us diving angrily for the mute button.

And don’t get me started on the Juicy Fruit raft commercial.  Let them drown and that stupid jingle with them.  It’s gum, not a chorus line.  Chew it.

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