After Neil Patrick Harris slaughters the first 10-15 minutes of the Primetime Emmy Awards with a song and dance routine that would put The French Mistake to shame, the task of handing out the “We think you’re the best and everyone who disagrees is wrong” awards that we’ll forget about almost as soon as the show is over. (Unless your favourite wins, then you get to feel smugly justified in how you invest your free time.) If we’re going to subject ourselves to this collective Hollywood back-pat, why not look at some of the strange facts and figures around the nominees, as well as un-researched and totally un-thought out predictions, shall we?
Lead Actor – Drama: Jeff Daniels grabbed his first ever nomination for his role on the Newsroom. He has won the same amount of Emmy Awards as Jon Hamm and Kevin Spacey. Hamm is 0 for 9, Spacey is 0 for 2. To put it another way, Harry from Dumb and Dumber has the same number of Emmy Awards as Don Draper and Francis Underwood. Winner: They will all remain 0-fer after Bryan Cranston Heisenbergs his fourth award.
Lead Actress – Drama: Claire Danes is the only nominee in this category that’s won an Emmy (she has two including last year’s win in the same category.) It’s the fifth year in a row Elisabeth Moss has been nominated in an acting category, and like Jon Hamm, she’s also currently 0-fer. So is Connie Britton, who is nominated for the 4th time in a ROW as lead actress. Winner: Realistically, this is House of Cards’ and Netflix’s best shot at winning a big award tonight, so give it to first timer Robin Wright. Man Claire keeps it cold in DC.
Drama Series: Breaking Bad ends a week from tonight, Mad Men is done after next season (which has been broken into two half-seasons ah-la Breaking Bad), Game of Thrones is running out of source material…how different will this category look in a few years? Homeland is the defending champ, I eagerly await the second season of House of Cards, and Downton Abbey rounds out the most impossible category of the night to call. Winner: You’re making me give ice-cream to only one of my six children. Breaking Bad. Because it’s NEVER won. And everyone has a favourite kid.
Lead Actor – Comedy: Alec Baldwin has been nominated for an Emmy each year since 2005, which is last time Jason Bateman was up for one. Ironically it was for playing the same role as Michael on Arrested Development. There’s tons of stiff competition from Louis C.K., Don Cheadle and Matt LeBlanc here. Winner: Which is why Jim Parsons will win, because sometimes life isn’t fair and no one gets what they want.
Lead Actress – Comedy: A lot of funny in a strong category. Julia Louis-Dreyfus could win her fourth acting award, science needs to find a way to combine Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (who is nominated for a 6th straight year with no wins so far.) Edie Falco has already won once for her role on Nurse Jackie, Laura Dern was first nominated 21 years ago, and Lena Dunham is…also…here… Winner: Anyone but Lena Dunham.
Comedy Series: It’s been 3 years of 30 Rock followed by 3 years of Modern Family since 2007, will it be any different this year? Big Bang Theory, Girls and Veep have all been nominated before, with Louie as the only newcomer to the category. Winner: 6 years of network dominance finally comes to end of it’s cable…Louie. Because that’s what I want.
Variety Series Named The Daily Show: Seriously, The Daily Show has won every year since 2003. Is this the year a Kimmel, Fallon, Colbert or Maher takes the crown from Stewart. Also SNL is nominated which should tell you it’s as much about the process as the product. Winner: If it’s anyone but Jon and the crew, let’s make it from the cloth of his late night loins. Colbert in an upset.
Reality Show/Reality Show Host: I refuse to acknowledge these categories exist. They call it reality, I call it lazy TV. I can stick a bunch of people in a room and say “get the cupcake and you win” and something is going to happen. In fact, I’m prepping my newest reality show “Get the Cupcake” to bring to Hollywood. Look for it on Lifetime or TLC or History or any other channel that tried original programming and gave in to the budget scrimping temptations of simple folk that do things. Winner: Pick your own, we’ve already lost here.
Odds and Ends: Behind the Candelabra will win nearly everything it’s up for. Of all the multiple winners at last year’s show, 1 in 7 were other awards shows. CBS won as many awards in 2012 as the rest of the Big Four combined (16.) 19 of the presenters/performers tonight are up for awards as well, just ONCE I wish they’d make them call their own category. I will be tuned out from 8:59pm until 10:16pm for the penultimate episode of Breaking Bad. And honestly, I’ll turn the show back on afterwards, but my mind will still be in New Mexico.