This is NOT a Toy

“It’s about the little things.”  That’s what we hear about life every once in a while.  We get caught up in the rush and day to day tedium of continued existence, and we sometimes forget to be awed and amazed by the simple happenings around us.  Enjoying the way the sun shines through the window, watching as a leaf blows in the wind, the usual Forrest Gumpness of life.  Sometimes those little things can brighten our day.  Other times, they ruin it.

This is a plastic garbage bag.  There is nothing overly special about it (unless you think of it like a unique snowflake and a “simple thing in life.”)  It’s just oils and polymers that have been dyed, heated and stretched into a convenient shape best used to retain waste: a bag.  However, it doesn’t arrive in our homes in a bag shape.  It comes flat and folded or rolled, for our benefit of course, to fit more of them in a smaller area.  And to use it, you just need to open it.

This is something that should take 2 seconds.  Just, open the bag.  But after being compressed and rolled and bunched together, the opposite sides of this container seem to somehow fuse themselves together like they’ve been through a blast chamber.  Many techniques can be used, and we’ll cover them all as I walk you through the first 5 minutes of my day, which can often set the mood for most of what’s to follow…

4:40am – The alarm goes off.  I usually don’t wake up to the alarm, I’m usually up before it goes off, shutting it down before it wakes up the Sig-O.  The buzzing wakes me with a delayed groggy start, and I fumble with the “why did they make these so small” buttons to cease it’s angry call.  Not off to a good start.

4:40:30am – Try not to trip over Steve the Cat who is now fully aware I am awake, and feels the need to escort me to the cat food dish by darting between/on/around my legs and feet.  I make my way to the kitchen, pour the food, refill the water and start the coffee.

4:41:am – As the coffee prepares itself, I head off to the washroom to freshen for the day.  I should be out the door at 5 to 5 to get to work on time, so I have 14 minutes to go.  Should be easy.

4:47am – Emerging from the bathroom somewhat refreshed/cleaned/groomed/dressed I grab the steaming cup of “Happy Awakeland Juice™” and stir in the creamer and sugar.  I won’t take a sip until I get to work, my reward for being an adult.  Steve the Cat is gorging himself at his dish.  I smirk and get on with the routine: just a couple more things to do and I’m done.

4:48am – I’ve grabbed my lunch from the fridge and am now taking care of one of “my” chores.  The chores are divided as follows: The Sig-O hates dishes, so I do those.  She does the bathroom and the laundry.  We split the vacuuming.  This morning I have the honour of taking out the garbage and recycling, which I do every Friday morning before work.  So I grab a green garbage bag, open it up (with NO problems), empty the kitchen and bathroom garbages, clean out the “what the hell is that” in the fridge, scoop out the cat little and I’m almost good to go.  I just have to replace the white garbage bag in the kitchen bin and we’re home free.

4:50am (5 minutes from departure time) – I reach into the cupboard and pull out a white garbage bag, folded into a small square.  Unfold, unfold, unfold, and there in front of me is the outlined shape of an unopened garbage bag.  I am moments from fulfilling my duty.

4:50:10am – I try to pull it open.  No dice.  It’s like there’s a tiny vacuum inside holding the sides together.

4:50:30am – I go to the “lick your thumb and finger and rub the edges of the bag between them” move.  It works at the grocery store (just don’t lick it and sort the food after, that’s a nice reminder to wash anything you eat) so why wouldn’t it work here?

4:51:30am – How is that not working?  It works with every other bag I’ve used…why not these? (tries again…)

4:52:30am – Alright, this is getting stupid…I’ll give it the Nintendo Cartridge try: holding the edge up and blowing hard on it.  Maybe the wind will spread the edges apart, which have apparently been bound together with tiny staples invisible to the naked eye.

4:53am – We are now three minutes into me trying to get a STUPID GARBAGE BAG OPEN.  I am failing.  I am failing at being an adult.  I am failing at life.  I HATE you stupid white garbage bag.

4:53:30am – I have to leave in 90 seconds.  I throw the bag on top of the garbage can and turn to leave the room…”That’ll show you STUPID BAG.”…but then I remember, this is my chore.  I can’t leave it for the Sig-O.  It has to be done.

4:54am – I am now tearing at the edges in grave danger of stretching the plastic even thinner, making it all the more difficult to pull the edges apart.  I throw my hands up to no one, and move in for another try…but what’s this?

4:54:35am – There, by the corner, a slight separation.  My god.  It’s happened.

4:54:45am – I pull the sides apart, give a quick air-infusing shake and it’s done.  The bag is in the can, the lid is closed, and I have mere seconds to spare before leaving for work.  My job here is done.

4:54:59am – I am walking out the door, triumphant in my battle with a 2¢ piece of plastic.  I showed that inanimate object.  But as I go to close the door, I hear something up the stairs behind me.

4:55:05am – Steve the Cat gets sick.  All over the carpeted stairs.

It’s all about the little things.  relationship relationships

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